Sex and Remarriage

I saw a funny COVID meme last week that went something like this, “if there is a baby boom in 9 months, it will be a boom of first children.” This made me laugh so hard. Many of us with children and stepchildren at home may have noticed that sex is kind of off the radar right now. But no children at home? Could be a different story. I guess time will tell.

Let me be honest though, this is a time when we need this connection the most. For that reason I have an I have an amazing guest blogger today, Amanda Louder. She is a Sex and Marriage Coach (see bio below article). When your done reading her article she wrote for us, make sure you check out her podcast. She has recorded some very timely and helpful messages. Thanks Amanda for taking the time to share with us today!

As a 19-year old bride, who knew little about my body, men’s bodies, and sex, I went into my first marriage fairly blind and ignorant.  For many years I struggled with my sexuality.  I didn’t enjoy sex.  I didn’t want it.  I was never in the mood.  Sex was a chore and I grew more and more resentful of my husband and it.

After about 10 years of marriage, I finally started learning about my body, how it worked, how to have an orgasm, how to get myself in the mood, and began liking it more.  But at the same time, the rest of my marriage was falling apart and eventually ended in divorce.

After doing so much work on myself and finally understanding what sex could be like with the right partner, when I got engaged to my second husband, I was anxious to talk to him about it.  He was surprised at my willingness to be so open and honest with him, which hadn’t been his experience in his first marriage.  As the time for us to be married grew closer, it was something we both anxiously anticipated.

Before we were married we openly discussed things we liked and disliked with sex.  We let each other know our personal boundaries and what we were comfortable with and what we weren’t.  We discussed things we wanted to try.  Because of the honest and open nature of our relationship, communicating about things so private and intimate felt very comfortable.  They felt right.

When our much anticipated wedding day finally arrived we were so excited to finally be with each other in this way.  Because we both knew more and we were willing to communicate beforehand and throughout, it was a wonderful and beautiful experience.

We both had so many insecurities going into another marriage.  There was an underlying fear that things would turn out like they did the first time.  But through all the trials and tribulations, through all the struggles with the kids, we made sure that we put each other first.  That our time together was the priority.  We were able to work through so much of the insecurities and fear and we cleaved to each other instead of turning away when times got hard.

I know that my experience is not the same as many who remarry.  They anticipate that things will be a certain way and are devastated when it isn’t.  It is so important to communicate and be honest with your partner about what you want, need, and anticipate.

Sex is different after divorce.  It is easy to feel a lack of trust, betrayal, anger, hurt, and insecurity surrounding it.  So, it is one of the things that needs the most attention in a remarriage.

Depending on what issues happened in your first marriage, it’s important to understand them and work through those issues before and after the remarriage.  Things aren’t just going to be magically better with a new partner.  Most people tend to carry over their baggage until it is worked through in a safe environment and trust is built.  Your thoughts and beliefs around sex definitely fall into this.

If your sexual relationship isn’t working in your new marriage, make sure you get some help.  Don’t let it drag on and become something that eventually tears you apart.  Sex is so vulnerable and it’s something we often struggle seeking help for.  But for most couples, it is usually something that can be worked on and fixed so that it is satisfying for both parties.

Amanda Louder is a Certified Sex & Marriage Coach who specializes in helping Latter-Day Saint women learn to embrace their sexuality and LOVE their sex life!  

She believes as women embrace this essential part of themselves they can truly live their best life. They are fulfilling the measure of their creation.  They have strong marriages.  And they have a closer relationship with their Heavenly Parents.  

Amanda is an ex-wife, a wife, a mom, and a step-mom. She loves spending time with her family, watching sports, camping, fishing, reading, and watching movies.

Amanda LouderCertified Life Coach

Have you heard the latest episode of my podcast Live From Love?
Episode 99 – The Importance of Touch

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