How to Have a Conversation about Sex

I am excited to have a guest blogger today. I want to introduce you to a colleague of mine, Rhonda Farr, The Intimacy Coach. When we met at our coach certification, we were both serving as Stake Young Women Presidents in the Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Days Saints. It gave us a quick connection. As I am focusing on strengthening relationships this month, I knew you needed to meet Rhonda. I love that she focuses on intimacy.  It’s an area that many people need help with but are afraid to ask.  So without further adieu …..

What comes to mind when you think about talking to your partner about physical intimacy?

It seems logical that we should talk about something so vital to our relationship, but for many, it seems very scary.

Maybe you can relate…

“It feels so awkward to talk about it.”

“Every time we try to talk about it, it ends up in a fight.”

“I don’t know how to express what I really feel inside.”

“If we talk about it, he’ll try to talk me into things I don’t feel like doing.”

It might not be easy to start talking, but this is how we connect on the most intimate level.

Expect it to feel uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway…because you deserve a happy, connected marriage.

Here are my best tips to guide you through it!

1- Practice acceptance of each other first.  When both partners feel accepted by each other and are comfortable sharing non-intimate feelings, they are more open to sharing the more vulnerable parts of desire.

2- Choose a time to talk that is convenient for both of you.  Do not try to have this discussion when one of you is trying to be intimate already (I may have made that mistake a few times), or if one of you is tired, emotional or distracted.

3- Be willing to feel a bit awkward or uncomfortable at first.  It will get easier as you do it more.  If you’d rather not be looking eye-to-eye, consider going for a walk together or talking while you are cuddled side-by-side.

4- Recognize that you both have different desires and needs, and it’s OK to be different.  This will help you be open to hearing what your husband has to say without judgment.  Neither of you is right or wrong.

5- Ask and answer good questions. Here are some samples:

What was I taught about sex as a child that I still think about sometimes?

What expectations did I have about sex coming into marriage?
What holds me back the most?

Do I have any fears about sex now, if so what are they?

What doesn’t feel good?

What does feel good?

6- Listen, Listen, Listen without taking offense.  Try to really understand where your partner is coming from.  You don’t have to agree with him, but if you try to understand why he feels the way he does, it will help you find solutions together.  The more comfortable you are telling each other the truth, the better your relationship will be!

If you want to hear more about this conversation, click here to listen to the full podcast episode.

Rhonda Farr, The Intimacy Coach

This blog post is part of a series of posts focuosed on strengthening relationships.

Previous posts in this series include:
No one is attractive

Having a better relationship with your difficult child

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