When Someone You Love Lies To You

Most of us have had the experience of being lied to.

When children lie to us it doesn’t seem as hurtful as when an adult lies to us.

Why?

Because we offer then some grace. We believe things like, “They are still learning.” They don’t really know any better yet.” Or “I just haven’t taught them properly.”

But if a spouse, or another adult that we are close to lies to us, it is much more painful.

Why?

Because we have thoughts like, “Don’t they trust me with the truth?” “He should know better.” “Don’t they love me enough to be honest?” “Am I not worth it to him?”

We make it so personal. We make it mean something about us. That is why it is so painful.

If you have been lied to and you want to continue feeling hurt, angry, and resentful, then this is not the article for you. This is totally your right.

But if you tired of feeling hurt, if you are ready to experience a softer, kinder emotion towards them and yourself, if you’re ready to be in charge of your emotions rather then giving someone else power over you, stay with me.

In general, we have a lot of moral and ethical beliefs around honesty.

We believe that it is morally wrong to lie.

In the Church of Jesus Christ, we believe in keeping the commandments. We believe that keeping the commandments is one of the ways that we keep our baptismal covenants.

So when someone lies, we think it is just wrong. We have a lot of judgment about it.

Which is fine except for that judgment leads to a lot of hurt and resentment. When we feel hurt and resentful, we usually show up bitter and cold in that relationship. We withdrawal. We are suspicious of all their actions. Maybe you try and check up on them by looking at their text messages. You become suspicious of everything they say and are not sure whether you should trust anything they say or do.

And let’s be honest, this does not help the situation. They start to feel suffocated and then they withdrawal from you or even lie more. It is a vicious cycle.

One of the most important things on the road of letting go of hurt and pain is to be honest about where the pain is actually coming from.

I want you to see that their lies have not made you feel resentful, hurt or angry. Their lies have not made you act suspiciously or withdrawal from them.

It is your beliefs like, “He shouldn’t lie to me,” “It is ethically wrong to lie” or “If he loved me enough he would tell me the truth” that are causing your hurt and resentment.

In essence, you have hurt yourself with your thoughts.

Knowing this is such great news because it also means you have the power to feel better if you want to show up differently in this relationship.

Hear me out. I am not saying that you should just start believing that everyone should run around telling lies. I’m just going to share with you ways that you can feel better. Because honestly, doesn’t it feel better to love rather than to feel hurt?

This is going to require an open mind. It is going to require that you start opening your mind to the possibility of some new beliefs and letting go of some old beliefs.

First question. Can you absolutely prove that you have been lied to you? Do you know without a shadow of a doubt that what they said was not the truth? It would be helpful, rather than saying “they lied,” to just say the words they actually said.

Example:

Try thinking, he said, “I didn’t text that women” instead of thinking, “he lied to me about texting that women.”

Even saying, “they lied,” brings up a lot of emotion. Just neutralize it a bit. Just say the words they said.

Second, what is truth? Just because you think it is a lie does not mean that he/she thinks it is a lie. They may not have any intentions of telling you something you find fault in.

Can you absolutely know what is going on his/her head when they choose to say what they said?

Can you absolutely say that they know better?

The truth is, we can’t prove any of these things.

Maybe the truth is they are just a person who doesn’t always know what they should say. Maybe they are just that person who says the right things most of the time but occasionally gets it wrong.

Maybe they are a dishonest person.

So what. That is just who they are and maybe the person they are right now is exactly the person they are supposed to be to become the person they are supposed to become.

And when you find fault in what you believe is their inability to tell the truth, you are not being honest with yourself because it isn’t them that is hurting you, it is you that is hurting yourself with your beliefs about them. You are lying to yourself.

I am not saying that you should just let people walk all over you, I am just saying that when you can love people for who they are, it makes it a lot easier to feel good and kind.

And then guess what happens?

You are able to talk to them from a place of love rather than hurt or resentment. You can actually connect and communicate. I promise that will get you much farther in your relationship with them and yourself.

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