Good News and Bad News…what do you want first?
Let’s start with the bad news.
Want to hear something that might just feel depressing?
Of course you do. Who isn’t just dying to feel depressed, right?
According to John Gottman, a leading research scientist on marriage and family, “most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind–but it can’t be done.”
You see, most disagreements stem from fundamental differences in our lifestyles, values and personalities. Gottman says that when you fight over these differences you are just wasting your time and harming your relationship.
Doesn’t that just make you excited!
I mean, I’m on team, “If you just do what I say then everything will work out.” But guess what, my husband is on that same team. So what’s a girl to do?
Well the honest truth is that you’ve got to learn to be ok with not agreeing on everything. There is really only one fundamental reason why we want them to change.
I’m not sure if you caught my instagram live yesterday. I talked about the biggest mistake newlywed women make. Guess what it is? When husbands do something they don’t like, women tend to make it mean, “He doesn’t love me enough.”
Sounds absurd but it’s true.
Same thing applies in this instance. The reason why disagreeing in these fundamental areas is so painful is because we believe, “if he loved me more then he would agree with me.”
That thought sends us into insecurity mode.
We really need to feel more secure in his love for us, so then we try to make him do things that will prove to us that he loves us.
We give the cold should, hoping he will ask what is wrong. And when he doesn’t, well that just gives us more proof that he doesn’t love us enough.
The bottom line is, we are insecure about our lovability. We aren’t sure that we are worth his love so we need him to prove it to us.
So, going back to my initial statement, if most marital arguments can’t be resolved, what are we to do?
Number one thing to do? Don’t make the disagreement mean anything about you personally. Don’t make it mean that he doesn’t love you and that your not lovable.
It’s ok to disagree. It means your human.
You want to disagree. It means that you get to try and understand another perspective. Just because you listen and understand doesn’t mean that you agree.
Believe that you are lovable and that it isn’t your husbands job to make you feel love.
Good news: Feeling love is 100% your job. Period. The end.
Oh and by the way: I have a brand new on-line course, Eternal Marriage 101: a pre-marriage/newlywed course for women and couples with Christlike values. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, so I teach with that perspective. This course is designed to teach you the tools and skills you need to create a successful marriage. No one is teaching you these skills. This isn’t your average “Sister Smith” marriage advice. This is stuff you have NEVER heard before.
For more info on how you can be part of this amazing experience, head to this link. But hurry, enrollment is only open till next week. Then it will close again.