How To Get Your Spouse To Speak Your Love Language
I teach that we are always responsible for our feelings.
No one else can make else feel loved.
Only our thoughts make us feel loved.
If you don’t believe me and you want to read a little more to understand this read this blog post, “The real reason why you feel loved.”
So to me, the concept of wanting someone else to know your love language so you can really feel loved is very disempowering. And once again, not even possible.
You are basically telling your partner what they need to do so you can feel his love. You are dependent on someone else and that can feel so hopeless.
There are certainly things that are easier for each of us to internalize as messages of love, but we are always, I repeat, always the ones responsible for how we feel.
However, I do think it can be helpful for you to understand the way your brain most easily interprets things to be “love”.
Why? Because once you understand that words of affirmation, or quality time or whatever your love language is you can use that knowledge as a filter for your spouses actions. (see Gary Chapmans book, “The 5 Love Languages)
Here’s an example.
Over the years I have learned that my love language is quality time, especially quality conversations and knowing that there is space in his thoughts during the day for me.
Because your brain will always try to prove your thought true. I have learned to tell myself that Lance (my husband), is really good at that.
So, I look for ways to interpret his actions as quality time. If he calls me for something, I recognize it as his way of spending quality time with me (not necessarily my definition but that is his intention). I feel so loved!
Here shares some pretty mundane things about work. Not really that interesting or “quality time-ish” in my mind, but I know that this is his way of sharing his life with me. He wants me to be a part of it.
He decides to go snowmobiling with his buddies instead of out with me for the day. This is how he makes himself available for the best quality time for me! He is enjoying the things he loves so he can show up in our relationship as his best and fullest self. He is prepping for quality time.
You see, your brain makes up stories about what their actions mean. We have no idea of knowing what reality is. So, why not make up a story that serves us well. Tell your brain the story of love and wanting! It’s magical.