I spent last Thursday, Friday and Saturday at a retreat called, The Art of Desire. It was put on by LDS Sex Therapist, Jennifer Finlayson-Fife.
I have so many thoughts rambling around in my head I am not sure where to even start, but I will keep it simple for today.
I am a causal coach.
What does that mean?
Let me give you an example: Have you ever tried to change the way you eat? Say you like to have dessert after every meal (I may or may not be speaking about myself :))
I can try and “will power” myself to change this desire. I can try and shame myself not to eat that cookie, or two or four after every lunch…but until I understand the cause for my desire, I will never be able to change.
We must understand the “why” in order to change anything.
As a women, as a member of the LDS religion, as a member of the human race and our culture, we have many beliefs that cause certain behaviors, or lack of behaviors in our life.
As a marriage coach that focuses on cause, it was fascinating to gain a deeper understanding of the reason why women in our culture have so many struggles when it comes to desire in our intimate spousal relationship.
In this post, I want to get you thinking about a couple of beliefs centered around your sexuality to help you gain a grasp on the result you may or may not be getting in our life.
Whether you are married or not, some of you may be squirming in your chair feeling uncomfortable about this subject. If that is the case, keep reading, this post is for you because you have some beliefs that are not, or will not, serve you very well in your intimate relationship.
- Do you view your sexuality as something that belongs to you or to your spouse?
- Are you a sexual being with God given desires?
So many of us feel that our sexuality exist to please our husband. When we have that perspective, is it any wonder that we don’t have desire? Not that we don’t want to make our husbands happy, but there is a resentment that starts to arise when it is always about duty and not desire.
Resentment never leads to desire and an ability to share intimate moments with your spouse.
I don’t believe most husbands perpetuate this idea that it is a duty. I am not blaming them at all! But…society perpetuates this belief in many ways. We just don’t even notice these ways.
Let’s crack open the door just a little bit to expanding your belief.
- What if your sexuality was a gift to you from God?
- What if it belonged to you first and then you chose to share that very special part of you with your spouse because you wanted to love him completely, not because it belonged to him? But because it was your choice…not a spousal duty?
Let me be very candid. Personally I had never thought of my sexuality as something that belonged to me, as something that I could develop for myself because it would help to make me a whole woman. Someone who truly understood my divine nature.
I coach myself everyday. I have thoughts and beliefs that I work on changing every single day in various areas of my life. Never have I experienced such a rapid change in belief as I did over the weekend.
When I decided to believe that my sexuality was something that belonged to me, for me, I was blown away by how quickly my perception and my feelings and my desire changed.
So, whether your engaged, newly wed, or a marriage veteran…Examine your beliefs. Do they serve you well? Do they help you feel closer in your relationship? If not, maybe you want to look at some new beliefs. It can be that simple.
PS–here is a link to a book that I am reading right now that I am finding really interesting. Just thought I’d share