What is your love language?
There is a book by Gary Chapman where he explodes his theory of love language.
The premise behind it is that everyone feels loved differently.
If you want your spouse, or children to truly feel loved from you, you need to figure out how they internalize love the best.
Gary breaks the love languages down into 5 categories.
Words of Affirmation.
Acts of Service.
I have come to realize that no one can make us feel love. No matter what anyone does, the only way it means love to us is if we choose to think thoughts of love.
Now, that is not to say that there aren’t certain things that make it easier for us to think those thoughts of love. This is where love languages come in.
There are certain things that make it easier for an individual to interpret words and behaviors into “they love me.”
Personally I believe that the best marriage relationships occur when each spouse meets their own needs and then they show up happily to spend time together.
When you expect your spouse to make you feel loved, you spend most of your time trying to manipulate his behavior when he doesn’t make it happen. Example: He didn’t bring you flowers on valentines day. You made that mean that he doesn’t care about you. You give him the cold shoulder hoping he will realize he has messed up. You want him to apologize and tell you that he loves you and he will make it up to you. You are wanting him to do something so you can feel better. That is manipulation. It isn’t fun for anyone.
Instead you could just tell him you’d like him to get flowers. He brings you flowers, you feel love and you can both feel good.
Or you could make it mean that he loves you so much he didn’t want to give you something that was just going to die anyway.
Some people are going to interpret me as saying that we don’t really need to care how were treat other people because it won’t make a difference. We just need to worry about ourselves. I am saying quite the opposite. When you don’t have to spend your time trying to get “love” from someone because you have created it for yourself, then you actually have time and energy to think about how you can best help others think loving thoughts about themselves and learn the things they interpret as love.
So I’m definitely not arguing that we don’t have love languages or that it isn’t worth our time to figure out someones love language.
I just want you to see the difference. You can’t make anyone feel love. They get to choose what they interpret as love.
What is your love language? What is easiest for you to interpret as love?
We will spend some more time exploring love languages over the next few posts.
Did you know I do reserve space in my coaching schedule to do two free mini sessions a week? You can sign up for one below. We will get the chance to talk for about 20-30 minutes on the phone and help you with anything you may want some help with. It’s pretty amazing if I do say so myself!