Why I called my husband on the day of our wedding and told him I would not be coming

our wedding blog post

I had been up all night.

My brain was running out of control.

Could I really do this?

Eternity was such a long time?

Was I making a mistake?

These were the same thoughts I struggled with our whole engagement.  I was fine when I was with Lance, but when we were apart, my mind would go crazy!  I mean crazy!  And I would totally doubt my decision.  

I just couldn’t do it!

So I called him early on our wedding day and told him I was not going to make it to the temple.

He talked me off the cliff. I did go to the temple (by the way, I am LDS and this is where many LDS people are married).  

Had I run to the temple I would not have been any less of a sweaty mess then I was when I finally got there.

But I went, we were married for eternity (a very long time:) and I have not regretted my decision a single day since—twenty one years later!

Why did I tell him I wasn’t coming?  Why had our engagement been such an emotional roller coaster for me?  Twenty one years later I finally understand.

Somewhere during our engagement, I started having all the thoughts I mentioned above.  Those thoughts became neuro-pathways in my brain.  Because one of the functions of our brain is to be efficient, it just become the easiest thought to have.  And my brain really liked to remind me of those thoughts.  

Our lower brain is like using the cruise control in our car.  We don’t have to think once we set the cruise control.  We just drive.  Any time we let our brain wonder and think—unsupervised—our lower brain is in charge.  I was allowing my lower brain to control my thoughts about my wedding.  It wasn’t me!!!  It was my lower brain!

When I would use my pre-frontal cortex and actually supervise my thinking (that seemed to only happen when I was with Lance) my thoughts were so much more productive.

”Eternity didn’t seem long enough to be with him.”

“Of course I was making the right decision.”

See the difference!  So much better. 

I love this analogy from one of my mentor’s, Brook Castillo. “Our brains, unsupervised, are like a toddler running around with a knife.”  That was totally me!  My brain was completely unsupervised and made up all sorts of stories that did anything but make me feel good about my wedding.  

My thoughts were so detrimental.  

But now I know how to manage my mind.

It is amazing!!

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